I Am Responsibility

I am Responsibility,
I choose it.

I embrace the Lesson,
I commit to working for my Dreams.

I accept the work of each small step required to reach a Goal.
I work consistently,
It is worth it.

I do my best and turn the rest over to my Source.
I am patient;
I reach my goals with consistent work.

I am Responsibility.
I choose it.

Thus say the crane women:  We live with arcane lore, secret knowledge, and contra-diction, the speaking of opposites.  We love the edges, the fringes, the places where things grow and die, ravel and unravel, where ideas from different places mix and merge.  If you seek crane knowledge, learn patience.  We are secretive and do not volunteer what we know.  The deepest answers come only to the skillful questioner.  

- Mary Pat Lynch

Colonic Connoisseur

There is much talk about my ass these days. Most of the talk comes from my own mouth, blabbering away...pretty much...to anyone who will listen to me.

For most people, “ass” would not be such a great topic of conversation. “What do you put up your ass?” I really am interested...cause I’m always looking for new ideas, methods, substances - anything really, that I can put up my ass.

I put coffee up there (only organic made with filtered-water of course)! I put a salt/baking soda solution up there. I put probiotics and other medicines up there. I even have tried putting kephir up there, which of course I make myself from raw milk and kephir grains. Doesn’t everyone?

Recently I ventured out with an exciting quest to find new options!

Now this quest was - shall I admit? - out of necessity. I have many places that I am comfortable with, in pursuing my weekly colonics. For the most part - I try to stay within the safe zone - because I don’t want to get too creative with what goes up my ass. But my safe zones were all booked up - which left me to find other options for my weekly colonic.

I told Colin, “I’m so excited to see what this system is about!” I’d never heard of it before. (He seems to think I have hit an all-time low). Gravity-fed closed-system colonics.

I was a bit concerned, when I found out this colonic system was set up in this guy’s basement. “Go through the picket fence, and take the sidewalk down the side of the house... There, you will venture into the dark slippery steps that lead to my basement.” I gave Colin the address - so he could find my body later. “Look for me in the basement!” I said.

Need-less to say - curiosity won the cat. That, and my need to have my colonic.

I tried to convince my friend Mark to get one. We had a conversation once over lunch at the Whole Foods pizza counter. Maybe not the topic to discuss at lunch - but like I said - I find myself quite comfortable with the topic. “If you want to do any detoxing - you have to start with a colonic,” I heard myself saying.

Imagine the shit we accumulate in our life; not only through toxic food, but toxic air & water...toxic drugs! Imagine the emotional shit we accumulate in our life on top of all that. Emotionally, physically and spiritually...shit...that frankly, needs to go.

Mark then said, “What if...you had a colonic and worked with some sort of therapist at the same time; or you could even have someone doing energy work on you. Imagine the huge purge of physical & emotional baggage just leaving your body!” We got pretty excited about it. (The pizza people at Whole Foods, on the other hand, did not seem too excited about it).

I decided to begin my spiritual work, cutting the ties that bind me to anything that no longer serves my highest good. I figure, my body will guide me in finding answers. I go deep into shamanic journeys and meditations. What I find is quite surprising and shall I say has completely transformed my life!

The emotional work has led me to new revelations - that our spirit, our psyche, our emotional bodies - are capable of releasing on a physical level.

Now I am no longer excited about what I put up my ass - but more excited about what comes out of my ass!

Through this work, I feel like I’ve made quantum leaps - week after week. Out of my body comes a river of heavy metals, specifically arsenic, which no longer serves me in any way. Through this, I’ve had the most fantastic releases throughout all my six years of chelation. So I happily discard it - I allow it to leave and continue on my path - bouncing along!

My Higher Self told me the other day, “You worry to much!” I laughed at her. I totally do!! She told me that some day my release of arsenic will come to an end. “You will no longer have a river of arsenic flowing out of your body.” I was so relieved to hear so, as this is what I worry about the most.

I’ve been doing chelation for 6 years. “Is it ever going to end?” Everyone asks me...like I’m supposed to know! Unfortunately there is no way to quantize heavy metal toxicity. Heavy metal toxicity tests can only measure what is being released from chelation at a given point in time. I tell everyone, “If you hear any word of when it will end - let me know, so I can schedule it in!”

In life, my personal goal is to always be moving forward. Sometimes, in order to move forward, we must look backward to find what blocks our way, or ties us to the past. We all know this as baggage, mental road blocks, unfinished business... We must ask ourselves, what unhealthy patterns do we need to change in order to evolve as species?

I walk through the picket fence, down the sidewalk and stone steps into the basement. It is bright, cheery and warm! An envelope of peace & strength settles in my soul. The colonic practitioner awaits and greets me with an open heart & caring eyes.

What do you know... I just had the best colonic of my life!

The Choice

Choices. Our choices define our lives. How am I possibly qualified to choose? Many of us, "default." We let others make our choices for us - our government, religious authorities, medical establishments, society...anyone. Just as long as we do not need to take responsibility.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" my mother asks. I had just caught her crying in the corner. She thought that I couldn’t see her. "I can see you mom," I say. It reminded me of when I was a child playing hide and go seek, hiding in the corner, covering my head thinking that no one could possibly see me if I couldn't see them.

“You don’t have to cry mom, I am OK with this now...”

"I can always hurt for my babies if I want to," she said, justifying her allowance to cry. (Yes, she still refers to me as her baby.)

"I just feel like so much has been taken from you," she added.

I paused. Normally at this time I would try to think of something ridiculously funny to say, lighten the mood or put a different spin on things. I could think of nothing. Nothing. There is no humor in this, and there is no other way to say, “Everything has been taken from me.” It is true. My home, my career, my dreams, my friendships, my independence, my former long-term relationship; all taken from me. Now too...my ability to have a child.

I check my weekly To-Do List: Tubal Ligation. OK...great...I guess the whole motherhood chapter of my life - the birth, the formative years, grade school, high school, college and life happily ever after is - over.

I began to search for some examples of women who never had children - yet did amazing things in the world. Oprah. Look at what she has done. She has no children - yet she has hundreds and thousands of children. Look at Mother Theresa. Well...she was a nun, but still...you get the point. Joan of Arc. Um, maybe she did have children - they didn’t have birth control in those days - it's not her fault!

I look at the form for my hospital admittance. It says, "Please bring your Living Will upon checking into the hospital." Now first of all...why do they call it “Living Will,” when I will be dead? Secondly, I am signing up for a Tubal - not planning my funeral! In addition, they ask me if I want to donate my body to research. Hmm...is this a bad sign? I am reminded of the statistic, that more people die when the hospital is open then when it is closed. "Medical errors happen all the time," someone once told me, “That is why they are practicing medicine...”

Whenever I have to make a choice, no matter how big or small, I always ask myself, "What is for the greatest good of all, and the highest purpose in this situation?" My thoughts go to China and the orphans in East Asia; babies born with AIDS in Africa. My thoughts go towards a world that is so overpopulated, the earth has difficulty sustaining life as it is. Yesterday I read in the paper there are over 24,000 homeless children in Oregon alone that have been physically or sexually abused and forced out of their homes. I was shocked!

Webster's dictionary defines "mother" as someone to watch over, nourish, and protect maternally. The Earth needs a mother. Homeless children need a mother. At this time in history, the world needs a mother more than ever. This is my greater purpose. To watch over, nourish, and protect maternally. I will be a mother in a different sort of way. I guess I already am a mother...

My doctor emerged after the surgery. “Well, we found some surprises,” she told my mom. Surprises? Whenever someone tells you they found a surprise in your vagina, there is need for concern. “What kind of surprises?” my mother asked. Endometriosis - Stage 3 - the leading cause of infertility. Surprisingly, relief flooded my spirit. I realized my body had already decided the same choice as my heart and mind. I stopped and appreciated the innate knowledge my body possessed to do what is right for me.

The greatest gift my illness has given me, is the realization of why I was created. We all possess a map, our life blueprint, that resides in our heart. If we ignore our heart, then we ignore the very purpose of why we were created. Your spirit will never mislead you. These are choices.

Always Wanted To Be A Deep Sea Diver

Some people get excited about a new car, or a new house. But not me! My excitement is tops when I get a new piece of medical equipment in the mail! I often wonder at what those UPS guys must think of me; always dropping off boxes from some health care company or nutraceautical company at least once a week, filled with supplements of one kind or another. I know they must wonder... They always look at me like, "Have fun..." I remember when my Hyperbaric Oxygen Chamber came in the mail. Now that took a WHOLE TRUCK, and cost just about as much!

Everyday I become a deep sea diver. In my Hyperbaric Oxygen Chamber or HBO I can dive to ocean depths of 10 feet below sea level at 4 PSI or 4 pounds per square inch. With the use of an oxygen concentrator, I can increase tissue oxygen levels up to 400%. This oxygen helps my white blood cells to destroy bacteria and to saturate tissues with oxygen that help stop damage from toxins and inhibit the growth of anaerobic bacteria. By forcing oxygen into the tissues through pressure - toxins, chemicals, and other impurities are forced out. HBO acts as an anti-viral and anti-bacterial, as bacteria and viruses cannot tolerate high levels of oxygen. It can also improve brain function by flooding the brain with healing oxygen.

Now I hear Michael Jackson has one of these oxygen chambers... People, this is the only thing I have in common with Michael Jackson! Someone told me the other day that some athletes are buying Hyperbaric Chambers to help them with athletic performance. This particular football player we heard about slept in his chamber at night. My mother responds, “Well, that is just crazy! We are not whales!" My mother is a bit feisty and has a way of nicely summing things up into nutshells. “Don’t get in there when she’s mad at you," my friend Peter warns!

People often come over to look at my chamber. I usually try to change the subject or try to show them something else I have. "Hey, ignore that tubular shaped contraption in my bedroom!" It looks like some fancy coffin where I hide my dead bodies or something. But forget it! Forget it! "Why do you have a decompression chamber in your bedroom," one friend asked? I responded calmly by saying, "Um... I use it for detox." Oh...OK. That went over well.

"How long do you stay in there?" Well, unfortunately I can only tolerate, at this point, 5 minutes every other day. I have quite a ways to go considering basic protocol requires 2 hours a day for a minimum of 12 months without symptoms. "But I will get there," I hear myself saying.

"What am I going to do with all my time in the chamber?" Well...I got some books on mp3 to learn Spanish. Studying 2 hours a day, I will be fluent in Spanish! (I hear my Spanish friends laughing now) I am listening to my first lesson of phrases that are necessary to know when first visiting Spain. One of the phrases is, “My wallet has been stolen.” I’m thinking... "Hmm...this is something that is important in knowing when you go to Spain?" Maybe I should focus on another language...

So far, my experience with my chamber has been a matter of trial and errors, emphasizing the word "errors." Let's just say it works too well. When a treatment works, you herx. The Herx is an immune system reaction to the toxins (endotoxins and neurotoxins) that are released when large amounts of pathogens are being killed off, and the body does not eliminate the toxins quickly enough. The trick is to herx just enough to challenge your body, but not so much that you go to a place you cannot come back from. HBO is used for anti-aging medicine in spas. It might make me feel sick, but at least I’ll look good!

So I slowly add my time of treatment, patiently asking my body if it is ready for more time. "You ready yet? You ready yet? You ready yet?" Now I know how a poodle feels before it goes for a walk. Just a difference of 5 minutes can set me back with a horrendous herx. This very thing happened about three weeks ago, giving me a terrible herx that lasted for 8 days. These symptoms consisted of mental confusion, painful vibrations in every part of my body, trouble breathing, mis-coordination (my mother has to now go buy new kitchen plates), extreme fatigue (wanting to sleep all day), and swollen body (especially brain, face and spine). During this time I had no thoughts at all from the brain fog, and just stared at a blank wall not hearing or seeing too much around me. This was caused by a 5 minute change in treatment duration and lasted for 8 days. Eight days is a long time to endure these symptoms! COM'ON NOW!

So I called the immunologist I am consulting with regarding my HBO. We are going to do what is called “Pushing the Herx." I do a dive - I will herx. I keep on diving each day or every other day along with the herx, instead of waiting for the herx to clear as I did before. The idea is that the oxygen is going to flood my brain, my body, my tissues, my organs, my liver, my heart, my lungs, my thyroid. The oxygen is going to kill things in my body, but at the same time help me. It will become my double-edged sword.

I’m scared. For now I am mustering up my courage, and I just sit and look at my chamber sometimes. I want to hate it - like you hate the things in life that force you to grow the most. I have been taught a new meaning of the word "respect." I know mere oxygen has the capacity to kill - yet I know it has the capacity to bring life. Just like mother nature has the power to destroy - it also contains everything I need to heal myself. Earth appears calm, peaceful, silent, unchanging, slow - but we can never underestimate it. The constant of Earth, created on a system of balances, is forever changing, forever evolving; constant yet forever un-constant. How do you tap into this power without letting it overtake you? Respect.

I am reminded by so many people around me, "Tamara, listen to your body; respect your body." I have a hard time with this in life, and so this is forcing me to pay attention. "Pay attention Tamara!" So it is this constant pushing and pulling back. I cannot rush the process; my body moves at it's own pace and speed. I am reminded of this. My body is key to understanding how to heal myself. My body will tell me. Respect. I'm listening...

My mother is a person that looks at the world somewhat fearfully. If I say I am to travel - she thinks the worst might happen. Driving stresses her out, makes her nervous and she fears for her safety. In truth, she is right. This is one hell of a dangerous place! On the other hand - you can be killed by a flying toilet that fell out of a alien ship at any time - so you never know! Yet, knowing how fearful she is of the world, I crawl into my little chamber and zip it up. It really does looks like it came out of a space shuttle and I’m the astronaut. I admit to myself, "Yes, this is weird." She looks at me through the little window - with no fear, her jaw set, and helps me “dive.” My mother is one incredible person.

My mother and I both let go and we trust. For some reason I believe. I believe so strongly, and this belief comes from a very deep place in my heart. My intuition so strong; intuition which comes directly from my creator. I am not doing this alone. My mother looks at me, trusting I will make the right decisions for myself. Sometimes you just know exactly what is going to work for you - you take that leap of faith, and you trust.

So for now I sit and look at my chamber, knowing that soon my time will come, to test my courage and my fears. I learn respect. I learn trust. I listen. I pay attention. I wait...

Feel Like Dancing

I have the most tremendous, wonderful, beautiful people in my life. I don't believe this is coincidence - I don't believe that the chance meeting of anyone is coincidence. In fact I don't even believe in any coincidence - I prefer to call coincidence, "Divine Plan."

One of these "Divine Plans," occurred over the summer. My friend James visited my family and I, with his brother Judd, on their drive up to Orcas Island. James is a friend who I met through Julie and Becky - my "Soul Sisters." Jules, Beck and I consider James just to be like "One of the girls." Now I realize James might be offended to be reduced to the nickname "Girl," but to us - it is the greatest compliment we could give him - it means we love him just like he is one of us.

When James said he was going to visit, I was excited to meet his brother Judd - who I had never met. I was blown away at Judd's intelligence, his awareness, his "light" and passion for his work. Honestly, Judd is one of the most talented people I know. I got to observe this as we sat at my family's living room each night playing music for hours, singing, Judd or me on the piano and James with the guitar.

Although on my path to recovery - I was pretty sick at the time. These boys got to know my illness in a sort of intimate way - that most people don't really see. They saw me do all the treatments that I do - and my 4 page chart of medicine I have to take in daily. Laughing hysterically they said, "You have to put salt water where? You shine blue lights where? You brush your skin, jump on trampolines and look at red and white squares?" Needless to say, they learned quite a bit. Judd particularly was interested in the pumpkin and flax seeds. They joked that I should open up my own spa called the "Gebhardt Spa" because of the menagerie of medical equipment contained within our house.

Three weeks later, Judd was suddenly diagnosed with Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia (ALL). It all happened so suddenly, everyone was trying to catch their breath. I remember thinking, "It is not just coincidence that our lives were brought together momentarily before this storm."

A person goes through stages in dealing with an illness. At first we are so angry. So angry. Then, we realize we cannot change the situation and we close down. We shut everyone out - push out the people we love the most - shut the door and look to find in our hearts some part that is so strong, so still, that we find an ounce of strength, a part that wants to live and we pull on that and sit there. We sit there until that strength grows and we begin to open up again. We open up to the fact we cannot control this illness - we can only give into it and ask ourselves, "What do we need to learn from this?" This is what an illness can do. It can show you that nothing, and I mean nothing, can destroy the stillness we have in our hearts. This is a power that no one can ever take away from us, and we have such a deep sense of peace knowing this. My peace in particular has always come from a spiritual place. I ask myself, even myself, how can I be so calm, so at peace in the midst of this chaos? My body feels like it is going through a war, yet I feel so happy, so at peace, because I know spiritually this is going to all work out. I feel wonderful.

I began to visualize Judd's healing. I prayed not only for his healing, but that he would find his own peace throughout this, true healing from within, and to look beyond the cancer at the deeper messages this illness had to teach him. I felt as if I could feel his emotions as he went through the storm - his anger, his sadness, his sense of loss, and awareness of the dreams that had to be put on hold.

"Judd I know, exactly how you feel. Exactly how you feel. Hang on."

I asked Judd if I could share parts of his emails that I receive from him. His emails have begun to bless my life - because now he is teaching me, and reminding me of what true beauty is. I asked him if I could share them with you and show you the brilliance of this man. Judd wrote:

I've been thinking about you a lot lately. It feels like so many of the lessons you have been working through, things you mentioned to me when I met you, stayed in the periphery of my mind. But I understand the things you talked about viscerally, in a way I never did before. I want to talk to you about music. It's changed my life, profoundly. I finally picked up the guitar a few months ago, and it's literally carrying me through this experience. I want to talk to you about the small things, simple pleasures. I'm really enjoying taking my time right now. It's as though I understand inherently that I was the force behind my healing. I never grasped that before. I sort of blindly placed my faith and trust and POWER in bags of chemo, not understanding that while those help--all good medicines do--I am ultimately the force propelling my healing. That's crazy! So I thank everything daily: my bed for its support, my food, the weight machines that give my body resistance, the guitar for being one of the best friends I've ever made. What's crazy is that I know you get this, inherently. I don't even think you or I would really have to 'catch each other up' to get it. You know...

I'm feeling good today, really good. I've learned to listen incredibly closely to my body and respect it. I get chemo on Tuesdays and have really embraced the 'down time' that follows for the next couple of days. But it's amazing. Just by letting the nausea and fatigue and pain take over and pass through me uninterrupted and welcomed, what happens afterwards astounds me. Come Friday (or Saturday), I feel this incredible surge of energy. I always know exactly when I'm heading into it. I want to start stretching and moving and running and playing and being outside. Both states are perfect by me. They kind of just are.

You know what gets me is this...It took me years to learn what Judd has learned in a few months. He has learned to love himself and all his imperfections through an illness, and to find peace within, regardless of what was happening around him at the moment - and best of all - accept love and help from others. When you accept love from others your life can be filled with joy - and then - get this - you accept “healing.” You accept healing. You love yourself enough to heal. This is a beauty of an illness.

I'm waiting for chemo. James is asleep on the couch next to me. I kind of feel like dancing.

"You know what Judd?"
I kinda feel like dancing too...

Didn't Miss A Beat

(Picture of me and the band in Boston)





Our lives are defined by our choices – whether or not we are aware of it. I believe we have the choice to create our lives, perhaps even down to the smallest detail. We have the choice, and therefore we are completely empowered.

I am aware of "choice" in regard to my health. Because I have been sick for many years, the tendency is to see myself as a "sick person." This defines me - but also keeps me safe because I don't need to stretch beyond the limitations that I have specified for myself. In my mind, I have the power to see myself as entirely healthy. I am aware of this choice now, especially because I am told lately, that it is time to start living again.

I am at such a wonderful place in my health now, that is more beautiful than anything I could ever imagine. This enables me to open up to the living – to cultivate friendships, to put energy into my career again, my dreams, and to be normal. I've started to live again.

When I think about this, I am scared. I am terrified. What if I make the wrong decisions? What if I’m not ready? I recognize, in a way, it is easier to stay where it is safe... to stay sick... because I can predict, know, and expect, what will happen. But I recognize even more, that if we live in fear - we attract fear - and how can we live if we live in fear? I don’t know what life is like anymore. I feel new and different. I feel strange because of my unusual life experiences. Where do I start? Just like I did with my healing, I intend to start with small steps, and as my best friend Peter advises, "Butterfly (his nickname for me), begin with yourself."

I had an opportunity to take a risk recently when asked if I could do a performance in Boston. My initial thought was "Hell No!" Usually when I travel I come back sick and exhausted. These memories of travel keep me captive to my fear. I realized then, that fear has more power than illness itself. I decided to take a risk - and not only did it work out - it was tremendously beautiful...

I was put up in a B&B on beautiful Charles Street, Beacon Hill. As I looked out my window that first morning, the snow was gently falling - well, maybe it was more like ice chunks being hurled through the air 100 miles per hour - but still, it was quite the vision. It had been some time since I last performed in Boston - 3 years to be exact. My performance would be with a band I had worked with for many years when I went to school there. We had no rehearsal, but you know what? I didn't miss a beat...well, maybe a few entrances here and there...

The reality is - is that most of life’s roadblocks are barriers in our minds. We have the choice to see around, through and past them. The largest road-block is fear. Fear of "what if." Fear of failure. Fear of leaving behind what is safe. Fear of fear itself. This is the challenge and choice I now face in my journey towards health.

This brings to light one word, “resilience.” A man said to me the other day, “There is more than one artist I can think of, who has had to make a comeback.” I thought, "Wow...very good...he’s right!" The fact that I am an artist makes my situation a beautiful thing. I have the power to use my insight and knowledge, to turn this illness into something meaningful. Isn’t that what artists do? Turn hidden truths, even harsh truths, into something that is communicable and understandable to others, showing a unique perspective? I guess I’m on my way - and it's like I didn't miss a beat.