(Picture of me and the band in Boston)
Our lives are defined by our choices – whether or not we are aware of it. I believe we have the choice to create our lives, perhaps even down to the smallest detail. We have the choice, and therefore we are completely empowered.
I am aware of "choice" in regard to my health. Because I have been sick for many years, the tendency is to see myself as a "sick person." This defines me - but also keeps me safe because I don't need to stretch beyond the limitations that I have specified for myself. In my mind, I have the power to see myself as entirely healthy. I am aware of this choice now, especially because I am told lately, that it is time to start living again.
I am at such a wonderful place in my health now, that is more beautiful than anything I could ever imagine. This enables me to open up to the living – to cultivate friendships, to put energy into my career again, my dreams, and to be normal. I've started to live again.
When I think about this, I am scared. I am terrified. What if I make the wrong decisions? What if I’m not ready? I recognize, in a way, it is easier to stay where it is safe... to stay sick... because I can predict, know, and expect, what will happen. But I recognize even more, that if we live in fear - we attract fear - and how can we live if we live in fear? I don’t know what life is like anymore. I feel new and different. I feel strange because of my unusual life experiences. Where do I start? Just like I did with my healing, I intend to start with small steps, and as my best friend Peter advises, "Butterfly (his nickname for me), begin with yourself."
I had an opportunity to take a risk recently when asked if I could do a performance in Boston. My initial thought was "Hell No!" Usually when I travel I come back sick and exhausted. These memories of travel keep me captive to my fear. I realized then, that fear has more power than illness itself. I decided to take a risk - and not only did it work out - it was tremendously beautiful...
I was put up in a B&B on beautiful Charles Street, Beacon Hill. As I looked out my window that first morning, the snow was gently falling - well, maybe it was more like ice chunks being hurled through the air 100 miles per hour - but still, it was quite the vision. It had been some time since I last performed in Boston - 3 years to be exact. My performance would be with a band I had worked with for many years when I went to school there. We had no rehearsal, but you know what? I didn't miss a beat...well, maybe a few entrances here and there...
The reality is - is that most of life’s roadblocks are barriers in our minds. We have the choice to see around, through and past them. The largest road-block is fear. Fear of "what if." Fear of failure. Fear of leaving behind what is safe. Fear of fear itself. This is the challenge and choice I now face in my journey towards health.
This brings to light one word, “resilience.” A man said to me the other day, “There is more than one artist I can think of, who has had to make a comeback.” I thought, "Wow...very good...he’s right!" The fact that I am an artist makes my situation a beautiful thing. I have the power to use my insight and knowledge, to turn this illness into something meaningful. Isn’t that what artists do? Turn hidden truths, even harsh truths, into something that is communicable and understandable to others, showing a unique perspective? I guess I’m on my way - and it's like I didn't miss a beat.
