No Worries, It's Just the "Herx"

My days are now filled with "herxing," and might I add "brain fog," making it very difficult to write this post. Yet, the most concerning thing of all about this whole ordeal, is that I actually know what the word "herx" means... What the hell is a herx? Most women in their 20's, are concerned with other issues other than the herx - reveiling to me that yes, once again, I am slightly abnormal.

The Herx or Herxheimer Reaction is an immune system reaction to the toxins (endotoxins and neurotoxins) that are released when large amounts of pathogens are being killed off, and the body does not eliminate the toxins quickly enough. Technically known as the Jarisch-Herxheimer Reaction, this syndrome goes by many names, including JHR, the Herxheimer Effect, the Herxheimer Response, a Herx Reaction, Herx or Herks. The most common terminology used is the Herxheimer Reaction. It is also often referred to as a healing crisis, a detox reaction, or die-off syndrome.

The Herx Reaction is a short-term (from days to a few weeks) detoxification reaction in the body. As the body detoxifies, it is not uncommon to experience flu-like symptoms including headache, joint and muscle pain, body aches, sore throat, general malaise, sweating, chills, nausea, and in my case brain fog, or other symptoms. This is a normal — and even healthy — reaction that indicates that parasites, fungus, viruses, bacteria or other pathogens are being effectively killed off. As these lovely things die, they release other neurotoxins and heavy metals, making it a wonderful experience for your brain. Although the experience may not make you feel particularly good, the Herxheimer Reaction is actually a sign that healing is taking place.

What does this mean for me..? My energy is so low, the thought of trying to move from this chair overwhelms me, and to even attempt to lift my body is only going to amount in failure. My eyes are buggy, which seem to delight my friends in asking me to take a picture. Yes, I have strange friends. No way people!

In fact, my whole body is swelled; my head, neck and spine especially. My face no longer seems my own because it is so swollen - my features are gone. My spine feels like you have had a really bad sunburn, your skin is all tight and swollen, and it won’t stretch. Now, duplicate this feeling in your spine about 20X and you’ll get the same feeling that I feel right now. My toes are numb and I cannot feel them, which most likely is caused from nerve compaction in my swollen spine. But hey, I am living proof you really don’t need your toes after all, right? It's all good, you don't need your toes anyway. What function do they serve really, I mean, c'mon.

In fact I wouldn’t feel so bad if I could only see. My eyes just can’t seem to focus that well, creating a blur around me. This might be good if I were a painter or something, and wanted some new ideas for abstract work. But I'm not a painter, I am a musician. So maybe I could write a song that creates mass confusion, leaving everyone wondering at the end what it was all about. Oh wait, our government's already got this one down!

"Breathe, breathe, breathe," is all I can say to myself. This is a scarey place to be. So today I make another conscious effort to persist, to endure - asking questions - how do I help myself? I am determined, but it is only because I have no other option, so I guess it is similar to beating your head against the wall a million times a day – looking for answers that nobody knows.

I Guess I'm A Soldier, Fighting For Courage

The other day, my good friend Brooke and I were talking on the phone. We were laughing hysterically as two twenty-something girls often do. Of course the subject was of men. I heard myself saying to her,

"He obviously has no idea what my life is like!"

We think it is so funny - that my life is so bizarre and off-kilter that it leaves no room for "normalcy", yet most people would never know... unless they looked beyond the surface of my skin. I am anything but normal.

She responded in all seriousness, "Tamara, I think no-one really knows what your life is like".

This girl is correct... No one does knows what my life is like.

I have late-stage neuroborreliosis, most commonly referred to as CNS (Central Nervous System) Chronic Lyme Disease. I have been unknowingly infected with this illness since 1999. For years my illness went undiagnosed, leaving the medical doctors baffled at my endless list of bizarre symptoms, giving my illness the name of Chronic Fatigue Immune Deficiency Syndrome. It wasn't until recently in December of 2005, I was accurately diagnosed with Lyme Disease, along with the coinfections of Babesia, Bartonella, Erlichiosis and Mycoplasma Pneumonia. Lyme Disease impairs your immune system allowing other illnesses to take hold, layering one upon another, and in turn causing more damage to your already depleted immune system. These illnesses, or coinfections are hard to detect because your body cannot fight these illnesses, thus creating no antibodies to show up on a common blood test. Most people with Lyme have one or two coinfections, but not me! I hit the jack pot! I have all four most common coinfections.

Everyday I go to war. I fight this unseen terrorist who lives in my body. It is somewhat like searching for Bin Laden, and I am the prisoner of war. I am captive to my medicine cabinet which houses my 131 pills I take daily (that is the official number - I just counted ya'll). Along with that, I do other various treatment modalities daily, either at home or with one of my doctors, which cleanses/supports my body, and neuro-exercises that keep my brain up and running. I guess you could say I have state of the art fighter equipment, and every day I start battle all over again.

My plan of attack is as follows: learn to love my illness. What do I need to learn from this? How can I outsmart my disease psychologically and physiologically so it can no longer have the power over me to thrive in my body? I learn to understand the bacteria, how it moves, where it hides, what feeds it... I build up my immune system, killing the bacteria slowly and strategically, giving my body time to heal. I have learned the importance of thought and intention. Everything I need is contained within myself – even the gift to heal myself.

Ultimately I fight my illness by finding peace with it - having compassion for it. Illness does not have the capacity to live in the resonance of love. Beginning with myself, I learn to love myself with all my imperfections; with all my limitations. “I am enough", knowing behind all of this, there is a greater purpose.