Choices. Our choices define our lives. How am I possibly qualified to choose? Many of us, "default." We let others make our choices for us - our government, religious authorities, medical establishments, society...anyone. Just as long as we do not need to take responsibility.
"Are you sure you want to do this?" my mother asks. I had just caught her crying in the corner. She thought that I couldn’t see her. "I can see you mom," I say. It reminded me of when I was a child playing hide and go seek, hiding in the corner, covering my head thinking that no one could possibly see me if I couldn't see them.
“You don’t have to cry mom, I am OK with this now...”
"I can always hurt for my babies if I want to," she said, justifying her allowance to cry. (Yes, she still refers to me as her baby.)
"I just feel like so much has been taken from you," she added.
I paused. Normally at this time I would try to think of something ridiculously funny to say, lighten the mood or put a different spin on things. I could think of nothing. Nothing. There is no humor in this, and there is no other way to say, “Everything has been taken from me.” It is true. My home, my career, my dreams, my friendships, my independence, my former long-term relationship; all taken from me. Now too...my ability to have a child.
I check my weekly To-Do List: Tubal Ligation. OK...great...I guess the whole motherhood chapter of my life - the birth, the formative years, grade school, high school, college and life happily ever after is - over.
I began to search for some examples of women who never had children - yet did amazing things in the world. Oprah. Look at what she has done. She has no children - yet she has hundreds and thousands of children. Look at Mother Theresa. Well...she was a nun, but still...you get the point. Joan of Arc. Um, maybe she did have children - they didn’t have birth control in those days - it's not her fault!
I look at the form for my hospital admittance. It says, "Please bring your Living Will upon checking into the hospital." Now first of all...why do they call it “Living Will,” when I will be dead? Secondly, I am signing up for a Tubal - not planning my funeral! In addition, they ask me if I want to donate my body to research. Hmm...is this a bad sign? I am reminded of the statistic, that more people die when the hospital is open then when it is closed. "Medical errors happen all the time," someone once told me, “That is why they are practicing medicine...”
Whenever I have to make a choice, no matter how big or small, I always ask myself, "What is for the greatest good of all, and the highest purpose in this situation?" My thoughts go to China and the orphans in East Asia; babies born with AIDS in Africa. My thoughts go towards a world that is so overpopulated, the earth has difficulty sustaining life as it is. Yesterday I read in the paper there are over 24,000 homeless children in Oregon alone that have been physically or sexually abused and forced out of their homes. I was shocked!
Webster's dictionary defines "mother" as someone to watch over, nourish, and protect maternally. The Earth needs a mother. Homeless children need a mother. At this time in history, the world needs a mother more than ever. This is my greater purpose. To watch over, nourish, and protect maternally. I will be a mother in a different sort of way. I guess I already am a mother...
My doctor emerged after the surgery. “Well, we found some surprises,” she told my mom. Surprises? Whenever someone tells you they found a surprise in your vagina, there is need for concern. “What kind of surprises?” my mother asked. Endometriosis - Stage 3 - the leading cause of infertility. Surprisingly, relief flooded my spirit. I realized my body had already decided the same choice as my heart and mind. I stopped and appreciated the innate knowledge my body possessed to do what is right for me.
The greatest gift my illness has given me, is the realization of why I was created. We all possess a map, our life blueprint, that resides in our heart. If we ignore our heart, then we ignore the very purpose of why we were created. Your spirit will never mislead you. These are choices.
