Feel Like Dancing

I have the most tremendous, wonderful, beautiful people in my life. I don't believe this is coincidence - I don't believe that the chance meeting of anyone is coincidence. In fact I don't even believe in any coincidence - I prefer to call coincidence, "Divine Plan."

One of these "Divine Plans," occurred over the summer. My friend James visited my family and I, with his brother Judd, on their drive up to Orcas Island. James is a friend who I met through Julie and Becky - my "Soul Sisters." Jules, Beck and I consider James just to be like "One of the girls." Now I realize James might be offended to be reduced to the nickname "Girl," but to us - it is the greatest compliment we could give him - it means we love him just like he is one of us.

When James said he was going to visit, I was excited to meet his brother Judd - who I had never met. I was blown away at Judd's intelligence, his awareness, his "light" and passion for his work. Honestly, Judd is one of the most talented people I know. I got to observe this as we sat at my family's living room each night playing music for hours, singing, Judd or me on the piano and James with the guitar.

Although on my path to recovery - I was pretty sick at the time. These boys got to know my illness in a sort of intimate way - that most people don't really see. They saw me do all the treatments that I do - and my 4 page chart of medicine I have to take in daily. Laughing hysterically they said, "You have to put salt water where? You shine blue lights where? You brush your skin, jump on trampolines and look at red and white squares?" Needless to say, they learned quite a bit. Judd particularly was interested in the pumpkin and flax seeds. They joked that I should open up my own spa called the "Gebhardt Spa" because of the menagerie of medical equipment contained within our house.

Three weeks later, Judd was suddenly diagnosed with Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia (ALL). It all happened so suddenly, everyone was trying to catch their breath. I remember thinking, "It is not just coincidence that our lives were brought together momentarily before this storm."

A person goes through stages in dealing with an illness. At first we are so angry. So angry. Then, we realize we cannot change the situation and we close down. We shut everyone out - push out the people we love the most - shut the door and look to find in our hearts some part that is so strong, so still, that we find an ounce of strength, a part that wants to live and we pull on that and sit there. We sit there until that strength grows and we begin to open up again. We open up to the fact we cannot control this illness - we can only give into it and ask ourselves, "What do we need to learn from this?" This is what an illness can do. It can show you that nothing, and I mean nothing, can destroy the stillness we have in our hearts. This is a power that no one can ever take away from us, and we have such a deep sense of peace knowing this. My peace in particular has always come from a spiritual place. I ask myself, even myself, how can I be so calm, so at peace in the midst of this chaos? My body feels like it is going through a war, yet I feel so happy, so at peace, because I know spiritually this is going to all work out. I feel wonderful.

I began to visualize Judd's healing. I prayed not only for his healing, but that he would find his own peace throughout this, true healing from within, and to look beyond the cancer at the deeper messages this illness had to teach him. I felt as if I could feel his emotions as he went through the storm - his anger, his sadness, his sense of loss, and awareness of the dreams that had to be put on hold.

"Judd I know, exactly how you feel. Exactly how you feel. Hang on."

I asked Judd if I could share parts of his emails that I receive from him. His emails have begun to bless my life - because now he is teaching me, and reminding me of what true beauty is. I asked him if I could share them with you and show you the brilliance of this man. Judd wrote:

I've been thinking about you a lot lately. It feels like so many of the lessons you have been working through, things you mentioned to me when I met you, stayed in the periphery of my mind. But I understand the things you talked about viscerally, in a way I never did before. I want to talk to you about music. It's changed my life, profoundly. I finally picked up the guitar a few months ago, and it's literally carrying me through this experience. I want to talk to you about the small things, simple pleasures. I'm really enjoying taking my time right now. It's as though I understand inherently that I was the force behind my healing. I never grasped that before. I sort of blindly placed my faith and trust and POWER in bags of chemo, not understanding that while those help--all good medicines do--I am ultimately the force propelling my healing. That's crazy! So I thank everything daily: my bed for its support, my food, the weight machines that give my body resistance, the guitar for being one of the best friends I've ever made. What's crazy is that I know you get this, inherently. I don't even think you or I would really have to 'catch each other up' to get it. You know...

I'm feeling good today, really good. I've learned to listen incredibly closely to my body and respect it. I get chemo on Tuesdays and have really embraced the 'down time' that follows for the next couple of days. But it's amazing. Just by letting the nausea and fatigue and pain take over and pass through me uninterrupted and welcomed, what happens afterwards astounds me. Come Friday (or Saturday), I feel this incredible surge of energy. I always know exactly when I'm heading into it. I want to start stretching and moving and running and playing and being outside. Both states are perfect by me. They kind of just are.

You know what gets me is this...It took me years to learn what Judd has learned in a few months. He has learned to love himself and all his imperfections through an illness, and to find peace within, regardless of what was happening around him at the moment - and best of all - accept love and help from others. When you accept love from others your life can be filled with joy - and then - get this - you accept “healing.” You accept healing. You love yourself enough to heal. This is a beauty of an illness.

I'm waiting for chemo. James is asleep on the couch next to me. I kind of feel like dancing.

"You know what Judd?"
I kinda feel like dancing too...