Fallin' Off The Turnip Truck

Today I fell off the Turnip Truck! My mother informed me that it was indeed the Turnip Truck, not the Apple Cart... I was confused and thought maybe I jumped off the Bandwagon, but I was told I did this a long time ago and needed to get back on it!

Moving back to Oregon to live on "The Farm," has brought it's many challenges. One of these challenges has been a change in lingo. A day to day conversation might go like this..."Was that your cow out on the road this morning?" Or..."You just have to take the bull by the horns and do something about it!"

This knowledge came in handy today, when I went to the local DMV to change my drivers license over from Massachusetts to Oregon. I guess it is so difficult to drive here, that they make you take a written test with questions such as:

1.) "If there are a herd of animals on the road, should you _________:
a) try to go around them?
b) honk your horn to signal them to move?
c) wait patiently while the animals are herded off the road?
d) continue driving - they shouldn't be in the highway anyway?

Unfortunately I failed the exam - which means I am unfit to drive in Oregon. They kindly told me to come back tomorrow to take the test again, so I grabbed the drivers manual and headed home to study. When I got home, I realized...I mistakenly took the manual that was written in Chinese! Now, not only do I have to learn the how to drive in Oregon, I have to learn Chinese!

QUESTIONS ARE AS FOLLOWS:
1.) Do you have a medical condition that could impair your driving ability?
Ummmm, no... does brain fog count? I recall a conversation I had with my friend Mark the other day who is also Lyme Positive. He said his brain fog was so bad, that when he was driving down the highway, he could not figure out if he needed to go right or left for his exit. Here he is, going down the Interstate, 60MPH, thinking right, left, right, left, right left...He might end up somewhere in the middle - like the meridian.

2.) Does your vision impair your ability to see the road clearly?
Ummmm, no.... does blindness count? I recall another conversation I had with my friend Hilary the other day. It was late at night and she asked, "Are you ok to drive?" She asked me this not because I had been drinking, but because I am almost blind in my right eye, and in addition, my retina in that same eye does not focus properly; both conditions caused from my coinfection, Bartonella. I laughed and said, "It's all good - I can see out of my left eye perfectly!"

So technically, I lied at the DMV on those 2 questions. But hey! A girl's gotta drive! I remember reading something in one of my new age books saying that when you tell a lie, a shot of green is sent throughout your aura, poisoning yourself. I think to myself, "Shit, now I've screwed up my aura!"

In my dismay, I head to Burgerville - something a person with a chronic illness should never do. Why you ask? The meat contains contaminants such as antibiotics, hormones, flavorings such as MSG, food colorings, etc. The hamburger buns contain something I am allergic to - Gluten - not to mention simple starch. To top it off, I had a large soda, aka sugar! I cannot have these things because my immune system cannot process these contaminants. Gluten is a poison to my body, basically shutting it down neurologically, resulting in me wanting to take a nap wherever I might be at the time; not hearing voices, seeing clearly, or thinking properly.

I realized - I Just Fell Off The Turnip Truck! The day's events had escalated to this...but wow, did that hamburger taste good! "Tomorrow," I said to myself, "I will get back on the Bandwagon and eat properly." But first, I better head home before the effects of this Gluten set in. I really shouldn't be driving....